Don't adopt in New Hampshire

In  case you contemplated adopting from the state of New Hampshire- there has been no media attention to this fact - in July 2011 the New Hampshire (NH) legislature  eliminated all special needs adoption subsidies  save for the most physically handicapped of children. The facts are: most children available for adoption in NH are older and have significant mental health needs and challenging behavioral problems/ These facts pose an adoption barrier that our legislature clearly doesn't understand.

Many states do have adoption subsidies, in recognition of the fact that if you adopt a child at 13 there isn't much time to save for college, or that you will end up paying for  more specialized therapies, possibly private school, childcare (even for a 15 year old, I cannot leave mine alone) and before and after school care.  There are numerous studies  which show that adoption subsidies prevent adoption disruption and promote healthier adoptive families. And these subsidies are only HALF  funded through the state, as the other portion is provided by the federal government, who recognize that NOT having older children adopted is in the long run a far more expensive proposition for both state and federal government. But we don't tend to think ' in the long run' here in America, where the concept of family planning cold be seen as  either contentious or archaic, depending on your perspective.
 
My husband and I have adopted  one child  (at age 13)  from the state and are now in the process of adopting two siblings ( 9 and 13), a process that, due to  foot dragging by Brentwood court won't be complete until spring of 2012, possibly later.  All these  children are special needs  and two out of three have significant mental health issues due to their previous abuse and neglect.

At minimum, emotionally these children are 3-4 years younger than their chronological age, and they require omnipresent supervision. Never mind the fact that after years of neglect, you want to give them swimming lessons, piano lessons, camp...such children need structured activities or they behaviorally self-destruct, and they have been deprived  of all the things they need to enrich their lives, grow and move forward. To give you an idea of what I mean  when I say their lives need enrichment - for starters, many children that we have encountered in the system have never had a birthday party, can't tell time, can't tie their shoes - all due to neglect.

According  to the NH foster adoptive parent association, most people  who adopt in this state are socioeconomically lower middle class; having been to many trainings  with fellow  foster adoptive parents, I would agree with this. One sees  lots of old beater cars driving out of the parking lot at the end of the training day. It would be great if loads of  New Hampshire's upper middle class parents were lining up to adopt the hard to place older special needs kids ( like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side, based on a true story), but that isn't the reality.

Adoption in 2010 and 2011 was  cushioned by a federal tax credit of  $12,000+ per child  that was made refundable; that is, a refund of that amount on your return. Prior to 2010, no such refund was available. So for a brief window, a window that closes  12-31-11, there was an opportunity  to at least mitigate  New Hampshire's subsidy blunder.

Other changes  the state Department of Social Services  has made compared to prior  years: prospective adoptive parents  are given little, if any  weight in the adoption process. The state  has insisted  that our kids visit  with a former foster parent we really don't care for, going so far as to mandate monthly overnight visits- at a time when we are attempting to bond with these children and create our own sense of family- our objections were denounced and we were made to feel as if we had a problem. I was told  by the head of  DCYF that  if  her foster parents  weren't doing as the state wanted, maybe they shouldn't be  foster parents and the state could place the children elsewhere. The implied threat was clear; do what we say or you can say goodbye to these kids.

So as prospective adoptive parents, be ready to take your kids visiting  to the jail, to  the relatives that abused them, and  to former foster parents you can't stand;you'll do what the state tells you to do, even though you are assuming all of the risks and taking all of the responsibility. Once the state begins termination proceedings,  you will be providing all the transportation to all these aforementioned visits you don't want, because  the state no longer provides  it and they will make you do it.

I've since learned that the changes to adoption subsidy law were brought in by newly elected libertarian legislators, who want to eliminate the role of the federal government in this state
( sponsored bills pending in the legislature to wipe out the Affordable Care Act), so the fact that subsidies are 50% paid for by the federal government is actually  probably the reason they were eliminated, in addition to pure ignorance.

These legislators would never take it upon themselves or their family to adopt an older special needs child from state custody and have no experience or knowledge about this population, but they want to make the lives of those who are willing to do so far more difficult.

My sincere advice to prospective New England parents who are looking to adopt from foster care - consider Rhode Island, Maine, or Massachusetts - forget New Hampshire.

Pushin' Fifty

For the second time this semester I have shown up to a class that doesn't exist. The first time the prof canceled it late and I never got the email; today the schedule  had been switched, so this class still showed  on my syllabus dates, but I am apparently here on the wrong week. If I were the professor,  I would have put out a reminder or at least a new syllabus/schedule with the new dates; if only I ran the world.

I should have known there was no class, because we had class last week and this one only meets on alternate weeks. But I've slept, and not slept, since then. This semester my schedule calls for three twelve hour shifts weekly  at my clinical site, plus three classes a week. Last semester took the prize for the most academic work required and entailed shuttling between two separate clinical sites...why did I think this semester would be easier? Each one is hard in a new way.

So I make the best of it here in the library as a study day until my 4pm class, which will actually happen, surrounded  by young people  who could easily be my own children, as I have one son already graduated  from college  and another a sophomore.  I rarely question this, but today I wondered- what am I doing here and who am I kidding...as I paid an overdue library fine.

It was really windy today and I'd worn a hat, so my hair looks frowsy and my eyes are red from dust blowing in them and reading too much late at night and perhaps allergies, something I've not had before. The library accounts woman taking my check looked wonderingly at me as if I was stoned.  Middle age is so incredibly humbling.  Time was when a feeling of incompetence could at least be partially salvaged by a glance in the mirror... there was still satisfaction to be had from looking good outside, a kind of self-reinforcing feedback loop. That's all shot now. In photos I discover  developing jowls, replete with a new fold of skin at the sides of my chin. And this after I gave up sugar, and then artificial sweeteners, three weeks ago. To add insult, I somehow seem to have managed to gain weight from this gambit, though I am eating less. Signs of decrepitude seeming to mount, and I'm not even fifty yet.  Humbling, I tell you.

I wonder at that younger me, in my thirties - did  I really think my looks would last forever?  I didn't consider it at all - nature's gift was assumed. I guess I anticipated a much more gradual decline. Since everything's falling down, now, too late, I ready for the next onslaught.   Pensively  I observe the older women during choir rehearsals, noting impending signs of aging- the doubling chins, receding gumlines, skin like a leather handbag - all this and more will be mine. A classmate  from prep school dies, and I mull over the obituary photograph...hmmm, she looks pretty good, and she'll never look older than now. Death as a blessed release from signs of aging- can it be that fearsome?

In a few months, I'll don the cap and gown for a third time and then some hapless establishment will hire me as a new nursing grad. Those first few years of experience will be the hardest to acquire; after that people will assume I've been in nursing  forever, since I'll look well seasoned  and have some idea of what I am doing. Only  my resume will know the truth, a document I hope won't get too much updating in the coming years.

Is this why folks take up gardening, bridge, and watercolors, because  they need to learn to derive satisfaction  from other sources? I'm a novice at all three, so what was I spending my time doing before? Whatever I was doing, there's an increasing sense  that it's too late for any more reinventions, death itself for a chameleon like me. This could be my last career.