A message about Parking from your local Community College

An announcement arrives from Great Bay Community College regarding Parking. That's  with a "P". Once again, my inborn irreverence cannot let this document stand unmolested.

I reproduce the missive ,original in bold the edited version (italics) is all mine.


Early in September our parking areas were spilling over and we were allowing people to park in areas we otherwise would not.  

Humble and long suffering students, in our move we grossly underestimated the number of parking spaces needed, even though the new lots were 1/3 the size of the old. Just like we forgot to tell you about the snags with the old building-  

• the cafe would be closed for half the summer session 
  
• we wouldn't replace toilet paper during the moving. 
• those fees you paid for computer and library access? Phooey. Those are all packed up now.
  

This photo shows the old campus, with but a smidge of the palatial lots. One detractor- it didn't appear very New Hampshire - it looked like Florida. All the more reason to make it a nursing home now.

Since then we have witnessed a lightening of the demand for on campus parking, and have added spaces to the inventory as well.

You people dropped and flunked out at a higher rate than even we anticipated. The "spaces" were previously covered by lingering construction vehicles.

In fact, the Student Senate has undertaken a parking survey whereby they inventoried available spaces every hour of every day of the week.  This has revealed that there are adequate numbers of lined parking spaces for the numbers of cars that are here at any time on any day.

We stuck the student senate with this job so there would be less outcry; don't shoot the messenger, it's coming from one of your own.We define 'adequate' as enough spaces at 8pm, or during the lunch hour, but limited enough that at 9am that you will be forced to circle and hover.
 

From this point forward parking will be limited to “lined” spaces.  Parking curbside or on the grass will now be eliminated.  This will place us in a better situation relative to accessibility to campus by emergency vehicles, and enable us to maintain a more attractive campus.   It will also make proper clearing of snow possible during the upcoming winter months.

One wonders how errant vehicles might be 'eliminated'. Will  they be sequestered in the student automotive shop ( if it still exists) and chopped for parts?

 

We also have been granted access to park at 360 Corporate Drive as there is a vacant, unused lot at that address.  It is a very short walk from there to the campus.

Vacant and unused, hmm. Does that mean our nonexistent security patrol, usually found playing video games on their laptops, will be maintaining their non-presence in this nether area as well? Park there at your peril.    Who will plow and maintain this nefarious space? The "short walk" could become a Iditarod qualifier if one has to hoof it over unplowed areas to reach campus.

 Thank you for your patience when our parking lots were overflowing and for your cooperation now that this situation has been relieved.

As usual, what choice did we have, hapless commuter students that we are? 

 The best thing about the new campus is ...

• not the drawers in the Chemistry lab that open only halfway, breaking glassware inside when one's arm unexpectedly encounters a full stop; 

• not the women's toilets that need to be flushed "twice a potty" or leave scary remnants; 
• not the elevator that is never available,  
• or the mystery hallways that lead nowhere- 

 the best thing about the new campus is the Green Bean, with its fresh and tasty cuisine and Joni Mitchell soundtracks, like:  They Paved Paradise and Put Up A Parking Lot.